I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
