I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Be still, my beating vagina.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
