That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
