Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
