Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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