My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
