Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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