Swine flu. Run for my life!
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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