I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
