found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
