it was like his penis was on wheels.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
