Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
