So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
