I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
