mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Hippo gnu deer
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize
