dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
