In the future we'll all be gay
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
