My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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