Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
