i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
