smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You pole danced in your parka.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
