I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
