I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
