There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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