Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
