My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
