Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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