no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
