Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
