i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
she told me i tasted like america
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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