Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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