I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
