I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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