I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
