i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
