Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
