He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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