meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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