do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
