She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Randomize
