I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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