Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
