I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
