she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
