have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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