if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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