Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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