Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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