I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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