I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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