I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
