so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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